HER STORY: DR. MELANIE MILLS
her |həː, hə| pronoun 1 used as the object of a verb or preposition to refer to a female person: Her hope in God is inspirational.
Dr. Melanie Ross Mills is a Life Strategist, Relationship & Friendship Expert, and licensed Temperament Therapist. “Dr. Mel” has been described as FOX News Radio’s “go-to” Relationship Expert and stimulates her expansive audience through a purposeful range of platforms including Life Bonds™ iTunes Podcast, authors Life Bonds™ Books, and Life Bonds™ Workshops.
Dr. Mel is mutually energized through her social media platforms (@drmelaniermills), public speaking, one-on-one sessions, and creative business partnerships ranging from product launches with companies like Clinique and national marketing campaigns with Bank of America. No matter what venue, they all lead to a two-fold objective: Impact and inspire.
By using insight and experience, equally paired with humor and authenticity, Dr. Mel naturally instigates authentic relational discussions that incite action—and we cannot wait for you to hear her story!
We loved our time with Dr. Mel and we know you will too. Read more of her story below or watch the Facebook Live video here!
Q&A with Dr. Mel
1. Why do our minds want to focus on the negative?
There are many different reasons. We have unhealthy patterns in ways we’ve functioned our whole lives. Even hidden things that we don’t even see for ourselves. But the Word of God is the truth. That’s where we'll find life and healing. Worry doesn’t add a minute to our lives. But do we believe God’s Word? The more we seek God in our lives the more we are healed. The more we focus on God—the less anxious we will be. The truth is—life is hard. But we need to find where we are grounded for heart and mind transformation.
2. People are difficult and relationships are hard. What is the key to having healthy relationships?
That’s a good but loaded question. In general, I find when we have the other person’s best interest at heart—that’s where healthy things grow. If I want the best for you and I’m thinking about that, then I’m going to respond accordingly. I’m not going to talk behind your back, I’m not going to be selfish. It’s not just in marriage—it’s friendship, it’s our children, it’s every relationship in our lives including God.
3. How do you love difficult and toxic people?
But by the grace of God. We only know what we know because we’ve been blessed to learn it by circumstance and walking through life. When we really look at what love means—it doesn’t mean “selfless” as in, "I don’t have value." It means you and I have EQUAL value. If we can love challenging people as we love ourselves—even if they’re unhealthy—we know they are equally of value. We are all growing and learning—we need to offer and extend the grace we need to other people too.
4. Have you always had a healthy, faith-based mindset?
Ha! That would be a no. I was not raised in the church and I did not understand just how toxic my mindsets were until I began digging into my schoolwork. I realized I was codependent. I needed to be needed to feel valued. What God showed me was that I had low self-worth. I would wrestle with heart and mind motives that would affect my decisions. You want pure and healthy motives. You get that by spending time with God and letting His Word shed light on your mind and heart.
5. What were some of the tools you needed to learn to not be codependent?
I had to learn about my worth. I believe everything starts with recognizing our worth. I didn’t realize I hadn’t done that yet. I felt like God told me, “It’s not about what you do. It’s not about performance or acceptance. It’s about you being loved as a broken human being.” I needed the Holy Spirit and the Word of God to transform my heart and mind. It’s almost supernatural. God gives us the ability to believe that He actually created us fearfully and wonderfully made—the apple of His eye. Completely loved as a child of God. Once I grasped the truth of God’s love for myself, it gave me the ability to see myself and other people through His eyes.
6. Did codependency show up in your relationship with your husband?
Yes—as well as my parenting! Understanding my codependency was a very big life transition for me. I think of Humpty Dumpty and how he fell. I felt like God had to pick up all my pieces in the same way and put me back together again. It was a very humbling season. I couldn’t think for myself so I got so immeshed in my husband’s life that I would just follow him without thinking for myself. I found my identity in my husband instead of myself or God. But God uses everything. God used my marriage to heal me. In marriage—you will always both have to be growing and healing to stay healthy.
7. What led you to become “Dr. Mel”?
For about 10 years, I led small groups in my house where women would come up and say, “I didn’t want to say this in front of everyone but…” Two things I learned were: 1.) Trust is really hard to find, and 2.) How can I cultivate areas of life where people and couples can be honest and real? As I learned about my own worth, identity, and strengths I wanted to share it with others. So I went back to school to get my counseling degree in temperament therapy. It was very healing for me as I put pieces together for my own life. Then I got my masters and doctorate—and just kept learning and learning and learning. I love it because it is all about people.
8. How does what you do reflect what God placed on your heart to share with the world?
I kinda feel like it’s a “covert” ministry. I’ve never felt called to traditional ministry inside the church. I’ve always felt called to those outside the church. I feel like God has called me to be outside the church in a creative way to share the Gospel. It doesn’t have to be weird or strange. We can be Christians who are salt and light—who are still relatable. I still love my martini. *LOL* And that’s okay. God wants real, authentic relationship—not religion.
9. What would you say to couples who have experienced infidelity? How do they heal and learn to trust again?
First—it’s important to get with a Christian counselor who has their best interest in mind. If both individuals are committed, God can do anything. Marriages can be restored beyond belief if both individuals are committed and really want to fight for the marriage. Anything is possible. Divorce is so prominent right now. It’s so important for us to go through the hard stuff with people who are struggling. Walk through this with your friends or couples who are struggling and be a safe place where people can be vulnerable with you.
10. What advice would you give to newly engaged woman?
Go to premarital counseling. Talk about money, family, conflict resolution, intimacy, traveling, and where you want to be in 10 years. Are you on the same page? If not, why? It can eliminate little surprises that can become bigger after you get married.
11. What books are you reading right now?
Balcony People by Joyce Heatherly
Leading Women Who Wound by Kelley Mathews and Sue Edwards
Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud
5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Boundaries with Teens by John Townsend
How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud
12. So many people turn to counselors and therapists for advice. Who do you turn to?
I have a counselor myself! It’s so good to have a middle person to bounce things off of for my own family issues, marriage issues, children, and my relationship with God. I also have solid girlfriends that I call my “Love Bubble.” So I go to my Love Bubble when I’m struggling. But I had to set that up—look for the specific people that are in your life for different reasons who you can help and who can help you. Everybody needs a Love Bubble. Even Jesus had a Love Bubble!
Thank you, Dr. Mel! You are truly inspirational and beautiful in every way!
We’ll see you all next month on October 7, 2020 for our next Equipped by Faith first-Wednesday gathering. Be sure to follow us on social media @equippedbyfaith and subscribe to our newsletter at info@equippedbyfaith.com to receive weekly Bible Reading Plan devotionals, Equip Group meet-ups, and other special updates!
XO-
Equipped by Faith
